Happy Birthday Papa!

WE LOVE YOU!!!!

When I was a kid, my dad had this Indiana Jones hat that he always wore to work in the yard and this weekend I just happened to find another one. He still has his, and I doubt he wears it much, which is good, since it is nasty dirty! He is not the easiest to buy for, so I thought this would be a nice nostolgic gift. I'm not much good at mailing things, so Papa, until we see you in a week....here is your new hat modeled by two of your favorite subjects!

Lima Beans?!!

http://www.storylineonline.net/

A few months ago we read the book A Bad Case of Stripes by David Shannon. It is about a little girl who loves lima beans, but won't eat them because none of the kids at her school like them and she is too afraid of what they will think. Since then, Elyssa has wanted to taste lima beans. I don't personally like them, so I have never cooked them at home. Well...Saturday we were eating at Cracker Barral and guess what the vegetable of the day was??? That's right, lima beans! She immediately wanted to order them, but I was still not convinced this was a good idea. I asked the waitress if she would mind bringing her a small sample before we ordered them. To my surprise, Elyssa loved them. Can you believe this? How did a kid who refused to eat anything but corn, greenbeans, and an occasional carrot end up with a little girl who likes just about every vegetable she tries? I am SO thankful that she is such a good eater. (On a side note, Elaina seemed to like them, too, but any real food is better than baby food!)

Daily Life

It seems like I never have time to get everything done and yet, for as busy as we are, we don't really do much. Sure wish someone could explain that phenomenon! There have been quite a few things happen since I last sat down with some free writing time.
Elyssa:
As you can see from the pictures, Elyssa now has glasses. She was mortified by the thought of wearing glasses at first, but her attitude has really turned around. She looks adorable, which is a good thing, since it looks like her eyes are headed the way of mine....downhill! Last week she went on vacation to Niagra Falls with my mom and dad. They had a great time! http://www.tntsdao.phanfare.com PICTURES!
Elaina:
I can't believe how big and strong this little one is becoming. She strains to sit up when you put her in her carseat. She looks a bit like a weeble, but she can sit up by herself. I am enjoying this last bit of peace before she becomes mobile! She LOVES to talk and squeal. When she is frustrated she really tells you about it, I can only imagine what it will sound like when she is able to put real words with it! Food definitely interests her, but she prefers vanilla pudding to green peas... She is still a momma's girl, but yesterday she actually cried when Elyssa handed her to me. I handed her back and she went back to being content...Lainy just wanted her sister! Too sweet!!!
Tony:
After some stressful months of job changes, he finally landed right up the street (literally about 6 minutes away) as the Service Manager of a Chrysler Buick GMC dealership. The job comes with its share of challenges, but they are easier to handle without an hour commute each way. :) We can stop by when we are out and he can even come home for lunch.

I discovered that I am not really much of a camper, even when there is a motorhome involved, when we camped near Houston for his dad's birthday. It was nice seeing the family. There are some cute pictures of Elaina and her cousin Emma (they are only two weeks apart) that I will try to post soon.

I couldn't resist testing out my new camera on my beautiful girls. The fields of wild sunflowers made a perfect backdrop!

A Child's Mind

I have decided that one of the reasons God has given us children is to help build up our ego on those rough days. They may not always know just what to say, but somehow what they do say can be just what you need to bring a smile to your day.
A few nights ago Elyssa and I were talking after reading her devotional for the night. It had an old hymn as part of the reading, so I taught it to her so we could sing it together. The week had been hard on her, but she couldn't seem to put what she was feeling into words when I would ask her what was wrong, so as the following conversation progressed, I thought we were heading towards a break through that would allow me a glimse into her deepest thoughts.

Elyssa: Mom?
Me: Yes.
Elyssa: Can I tell you something? I mean...it may seem kinda wierd.
Me: You can tell me anything, even if it's wierd.
Elyssa: Well, I don't know...
Me: What is it?
Elyssa: You know that show American Idol?
Me: Yes.
Elyssa: If you went on it, I think you would win.
Me: (Trying my hardest not to laugh) Thank you honey, you are very sweet.

OK - not the deep thoughts I was hoping for, but how incredibly sweet. The world may be rough and you may think you are being a less than wonderful mom, but your child still thinks you hung the moon. I realize that these days of innocence will not last for long, so I lock these moments in my memory, something to treasure for a lifetime.

A Picnic

Elyssa is all about cake at birthday parties, and last year she declared that Mia had to have cake at her birthday;thus the tradition of the cemetary birthday picnic began. Elyssa and I picked out flowers. It took a while but we finally decided on two pink ones (since Mia would be two) surrounded by a dozen white. The only hitch of the day came when I was at Kroger trying to pick up balloons. All I needed was one mylar and two basic pink balloons. Well...the poor kid trying to inflate them had absolutely NO idea what he was doing. He tried getting help and the helper was at a loss, too. Finally about 15 minutes later, he managed to get a balloon started. The girl was putting the strings on and commented that the pink ones weren't the same size. At this point, Tony has called and is home, I am standing with a cart of groceries, a six year old who struggles when staying in one place to long, holding a baby who is ready to go home. I assure her it is not a problem, hoping they can finish up asap. Finally the mylar balloon is done and the guy hands them to me and tells me there will be no charge for the two pink balloons. After 20 minutes of waiting, I would certainly hope not!

So I am already flustered by the day and the delay only adds to the stress. We make it out to the cemetary and ...(drum roll)... not even a full minute has passed before one of her two pink balloons pop. I could have been really upset at this point, but decided it was better to laugh it off and be content with letting one balloon go instead of two. Silly the things we let cause us stress!
I was excited that we actually managed to get the candle lit with a quite a bit of hard work on Tony's part. As soon as we pulled the lid I snapped a quick photo before the wind blew it out. I know it is completely irrational, but I have come to appreciate the wind on our picnics. It allows me to imagine Mia herself blowing out her birthday candle.

For those of you reading this blog and wondering what happened to Mia, I'll take a moment to fill you in. She was born on July 7th, 2006 right on time and without any complications. We were home less than 24 hours later. She was the sweetest and best behaved baby you can imagine. By 4 weeks, she was sleeping through the night upstairs in her crib. I would put her to bed at 9 and she would sleep until about 5:30. On Monday, September 11, we went for her two month check-up. She had a bit of a cold, but other than that she received an A+. The next morning she woke up as usual. I went up and fed her. Most days she went right back to sleep, but that morning she spit up and I had to change her clothes. I spent about an hour holding her and talking to her before putting her back down. I mentally noted how beautiful she was becoming now that her hair was finally starting to grow in. At 9:00, the two pre-schoolers I kept showed up. Mia had been awake for a few hours, had her breathing treatment, and was ready for her morning nap. I put her in bed and took the kids to the playroom to begin our lessons. Around 9:30 Mia cried out and my life changed forever. I picked her up and immediately knew that something was wrong. As I rushed down the stairs her body tightened up and began to turn a pale blue. I immediately dialed 911 and carried her to my neighbors house. She had the phone, I was doing CPR, and the three 4 year olds stood watching this take place. By the time the ambulence arrived I was a wreck. The EMT took her from my arms and carried her to the ambulence. I stood there on the street watching as he cut off her clothes and began working on her. They would not let me in, so I sat down on the curb and began making phone calls. Everyone tried to be encouraging, but in my heart I believe I already knew how the day was going to end. They hadn't seen what I had seen. The white fluid that came out of her while I was doing CPR could not have been a good sign. I believe she was already on her way to heaven, being held in Jesus' arms...taken so she would not have to go through the pain of the rest of that horrible day. She was careflighted from our local hospital to Children's Medical Center. Upon my arrival (Tony flew with her), I was taken to a private waiting room. The doctor did not pull any punches. He said that her heart was enlarged and the outlook was not good at all. I spent the rest of the day watching her as they worked. It was awful, but I couldn't bear to leave her side. Viral Myocharditis was the cause. It has something to do with the body turning on itself instead of attacking the virus. I still don't understand much about it, but from what I can tell, even the doctors don't know much and definitley don't know why. We were told that there was nothing that could have been done to prevent it. Mia continued to digress throughout the day and finally we made the life altering decision to let her go. There was nothing else to be done. All the wires were unhooked and I sat a chair, holding my baby girl as she died in my arms. I will never forget the doctor leaning over and whispering in my ear that she was gone. We were surrounded by a room full of our closest friends and family, but at that moment it was just her and me. Everything else from that point forward is still mostly a blur...

Happy Birthday Mia

Happy birthday to you,
Happy birthday to you,
Happy birthday Dear Daughter,
Happy birthday to you.

My "New Normal"

I don't know who wrote tthe following poem, but I found it last night while reading another Mother's blog. Her daughter was born just a few days after Mia passed away and never left the hospital. You can read her story at the link above. I could tell as I read that we don't have a lot in common except that we both lost a baby girl in '06 and were blessed with anothe precious little girl in January of this year. As I read this poem I couldn't get over how well many of the lines described my own thoughts. This mother's new normal is in many ways the same as mine...so maybe, just maybe, we are all more normal than we feel.

"A Bereaved Mother's New Normal"
From the heart of a bereaved Mother...

This is now what "normal" is...

Normal is having tears waiting behind every smile when you realize someone important is missing from all the important events in your family's life.Normal for me is trying to decide what to take to the cemetery for Birthdays, Christmas, Thanksgiving, New Years, July 4th and Easter.

Normal is feeling like you know how to act and are more comfortable at a funeral than a wedding or birthday party.. yet feeling a stab of pain in your heart when you smell the flowers and see the casket.

Normal is feeling like you can't sit another minute without getting up and screaming, because you just don't like to sit through anything.Normal is not sleeping very well because a thousand 'what ifs' and 'why didn't I's' go through your head constantly.

Normal is reliving that day continuously through your eyes and mind, holding your head to make it go away.Normal is having the TV on the minute you walk into the house to have noise, because silence is deafening.

Normal is staring at every baby who looks like she is my baby's age and then thinking of the age she would be now and not being able to imagine it. Then wondering why it is even important to imagine it, because it will never happen.

Normal is every happy event in my life always being backed up with sadness lurking close behind because of the hole in my heart.

Normal is telling the story of your child's death as if it were an everyday, commonplace activity, and then seeing the horror in someone's eyes at how awful it sounds, and yet realizing it has become a part of my "normal".Normal is each year coming up with the difficult task of how to honor your child's memory and their birthday and survive these days, trying to find the balloon or flag that fits the occasion. Happy Birthday? Not really.

Normal is my heart warming and yet sinking at the sight of something special that reminds me of my baby. Thinking how she would have loved it, but how she's not here to enjoy it.

Normal is having some people afraid to even mention my baby.Normal is making sure that others remember her.Normal is that after the funeral is over, everyone else goes on with their lives but we will continue to grieve our loss forever.

Normal is weeks, months and years after the initial shock, the grieving gets worse sometimes, not better.Normal is not listening to people compare anything in their life to this loss, unless they too have lossed a child. NOTHING. Even if your child is in the remotest part of the earth away from you - it doesn't compare. Losing a parent is horrible, but having to bury your own child is unnatural.Normal is trying not to cry all day, because I know my mental health depends on it.

Normal is realizing I do cry everyday.Normal is being impatient with everything and everyone, but someone stricken with grief over the loss of your child.Normal is feeling a common bond with friends on the computer in England, Australia, Canada, the Netherlands and all over the USA, but never having met any of them face to face.Normal is a new friendship with another grieving mother, talking and crying together over our children and our new lives.Normal is not listening to people make excuses for God. "God may have done this because..." I love God. I know that my baby is in Heaven, but hearing people try to make up excuses as to why healthy babies are taken from this earth is not appreciated and makes absolutely no sense to this grieving mother.

Normal is being too tired to care if you paid the bills, cleaned the house, did laundry or if there is any food in the house.

Normal is wondering this time whether you are going to say you have two children or one, because you will never see this person again and it is not worth explaining that my baby is in Heaven. Yet when you say you have one child to avoid that problem, you feel horrible as if you have betrayed your baby.

Normal is asking God why he took your child's life instead of yours and asking if there even is a God.Normal is knowing I will never get over the loss, in a day or a million years.

And last of all, Normal is hiding all the things that have become "normal" for you to feel, so that everyone else around you will think you are "normal".

~Author Unknown~

Frustrations...

LET ME LIST A FEW

1. My haircolor still not being right since turning it green last November.

2. My house not being clean no matter what I seem to do (and it really used to be, honest)

3. No one has listed a baby video monitor on Craigslist that lives with 30 miles of me.

4. Television and internet being so readily available...

5. Losing so much hair every day that it has actually become a cleanliness issue in my bathroom!

6. Having a completely different vision of what a perfect future would look than my dh and not knowing how exactly to merge the two.

7. Feeling like I would lose my head if it were not attached to my body. From major things like my professional camera to the mirror I needed to take back to Target...I can't seem to keep up with anything these days.

8. Not getting to plan an over the top birthday party for Mia's second birthday because she is not here to celebrate it.

9. Wondering why there still seem to be as many bads as there are good days.

10. Over finding myself wondering why we even bother to pray since, no matter how many prayers are said, bad things still happen to good people.

And to keep from ending on too bad of a note, here is a little poem I remember from when I was a kid. #7 on the list reminded me :)

The Loserfrom the book "Where the Sidewalk Ends" (1974)

Mama said I'd lose my headif it wasn't fastened on.Today I guess it wasn't'cause while playing with my cousinit fell off and rolled awayand now it's gone.And I can't look for it'cause my eyes are in it,and I can't call to it'cause my mouth is on it(couldn't hear me anyway'cause my ears are on it),can't even think about it'cause my brain is in it.So I guess I'll sit downon this rockand rest for just a minute...

Elaina is 5 months old...

...AND GETTING SO BIG!

Not just literally (which our little "chunk" is certainly doing), but she has hit such an exciting stage. She isn't a newborn anymore. She likes to eat, especially from our plates. Baby food really isn't her thing! Water bottles, sippy cups, and straws are all kinds of fun. She is nearly able to sit up unassisted, though right now she looks more like a weeble that wobbles and DOES fall down! She sat in a high chair at lunch today using the awesome buggy bag that I had put away in the closet. The buggy bag also made the trip to Wal-Mart more enjoyable. The biggest brag, though, is I finally took the step and moved her upstairs to her own room. She seems to love her crib. The last two nights she has slept all night long, which she was not doing in our room. It took me a while to mentally prepare myself for letting her sleep so far away and truthfully I haven't exactly taken the full plunge. I am sleeping upstairs in Mia's room, which gives me quick and easy access if she needs me. One step at a time, right? Having a big house has its perks, but there are definitely some disadvantages. It would be so much easier if her room was right down the hall!!!

Lost tooth, and glasses, and scrapes...oh my!

Our "not so little" bit has had quite an exciting summer so far. During the first part of May a new tooth started growing in behind her front baby tooth. After a somewhat frantic trip to the dentist, I discovered that this is quite common and nothing to worry about. Of course, Elyssa was ready for her a visit from the tooth fairy ASAP, but not enough so to let the doctor pull out her tooth! :) She wiggled and wiggled and then finally it was ready to come out. One quick tug was all it took to get that tooth replaced with some nice loot from the tooth fairy.

Elyssa has also come a long way on riding her big girl bike, but bikes do not come without scrapes. She usually manages to land on the grass when she falls, but alas...she finally landed on the concrete...and left the top layer of skin from her elbow. She can be quite a drama queen and was really playing it up until I told her that her first strawberry was something to be proud of. Through her last few tears, she climbed back up onto the bicycle seat and proudly rode it the rest of the way home.

The last morsel of Elyssa news comes from her latest "fashion accessory." That is how I finally convinced her that the fact she needed glasses was not the end of the world! After trying on what felt like hundreds of pairs of glasses, we finally found some that we both agreed looked great on her. She really does look cute, too, although I hate that she inherited my horrendous eyesight!